Here’s an excerpt from my new spin-off site – News Without News. Updated daily, there’s no waffle, just the headlines. Get on it!
I made this funny video for you. It helps if you pretend you’re an alien while you watch it. I hope you like it.
The Life Of Earthlings – Taster from Andy Dawson on Vimeo.
You know when you’re in a band and you feel as though one of your fellow players is pulling in a slightly different direction…
He’s losing the battle now. It’s his last chance…
Maybe some scatological humour will win the heart of fair maiden?
He’s ramping it up now with a ‘knock knock’ joke. This should do the trick…
He’s trying to impress her with a joke, but it’s not really happening…
The best of this week’s new single releases…
DAS SHITTZ – YOU ARE NOT MY DADDY: The band (pictured) recently reported their producer to the musical ombudsman after he bricked them up in a chimney until they got a drum snare right. The unmixed master tapes were later fired into the sky with a rocket launcher and magically came down again fully mixed and with added backing vocals. Despite all of that, it’s awful.
THE SMARM TARGETS – (I WANNA) GET (INSIDE YOUR MULTIPLYING HUT): Operating on the lower end of the Neck Rock scale, the Targets here lyrically recount the incident when they rode their motorbikes straight through the Maths Tepee at last year’s Glasto. A musical based on their career opens next-month at the Maidstone Flying Clipboard and the band have booked the venue for the next eighteen years.
FROSTER PANHANDLE – TWELVE QUID FOR THE TABLE, I’LL LEAVE THE CHAIRS: Panhandle’s comeback single after his voicebox was forcibly removed by a demented fan. His pained gargling combined with the tragedy samples create a surprisingly laid-back vibe. All royalties from the sale of this single will be thrown into a hole.
FIVE GUYS NAMED BERNIE MAPPLETHORPE – THIS IS THIS IS THIS IS THIS: Finally, a debut single from the renowned octogenarian ADD sufferers. Has none of the frenetic nature of the band’s chaotic live shows, although you can hear singer Whaffam’s bandy legs creaking after each chorus if you listen hard enough.
LE SQUELCH COSMETIQUE – VINNIE, LES POUFFES MILITAIRE?: A ballad addressed to Vinnie Jones from the perspective of the spectre of Buster Keaton. In the song, Keaton quizzes Vinnie on his attitudes towards gays in the military. The long instrumental expanses after each of the ghostly funnyman’s probing questions have a haunting poignancy.
Here’s some of the latest gadget news as reported on Twitter by my good friend Nicholas Bispen…
Great to see Olen’s new theft-proof e-reader. When touched by an unregistered hand it takes flight & buries itself in the anus of the thief.
Firmware upgrade due on GPE’s Nixina phone. Skewed magnetic levels blamed for owners’ lips peeling off during 20+ min calls.
Rottingham are rushing out the AS45 handset after users of the AS44 complained of snake urine leaking out of it when used at altitude.
Grapnika announce new SST device, this time without cumbersome dustbin attachment of previous models. Dustbin add-on optional with this one
Major announcement coming from Chong later on. I’m betting it’s either a re-duddified version of the Camel X-7 or a new VGF for the Spazzmo
Cormoreant’s new FaceTablet can’t fail. Translucent and worn an inch in front of the face, it is controlled by tongues.
The Guardian got me to do a guide to 1981 on their internet site earlier on, but there’s so much more that I could have said about The Greatest Year Ever. So I’ll say it here…
THE BRIXTON RIOTS
Why not just drive a car through Brixton with the coffin of someone who’d died from unemployment in the back? Then throw flowers at it.
POPE JOHN PAUL II SHOT
Don’t get to see all that much of him up here – hangs about playing basketball with his mates in the PopeZone. Got a surprisingly good leap
RONALD REAGAN SHOT
A bit of a smoothie. Mind’s a bit battered though. Carries a bag of chicken bones & bits of leather around in a bag. Says it’s Scooby Doo.
THE YORKSHIRE RIPPER CAUGHT
Used to be terrified of this wanker. Always assumed he’d switch tactics, ditch the lorry and hit Kensington for a bit of posh.
BOB MARLEY DIES
A good kid. Will do anything for you. Not the full shilling though. Too many jazz fags & likes hitting himself in the head with a tea tray.
BUCKS FIZZ
Thought they were the new Beatles cos there was four of them and they had nice hair. Wasn’t long before we were praying for a Mark Chapman.
DANGER MOUSE
Used to be convinced he was real & would shout his name into post boxes. If there was no reply, I’d bung a burning rag in and leg it.
TERRY NUTKINS & GEMINI
Gemini is in our VIP animal area. Got some horrific stories about life with Nutkins. But then he’s a fucking seal so he’s bound to be bitter
SHERGAR
Of course, he’s up here – arrived in 2002. Spent his post-kidnap life in a Russian circus – dressed as a dancing harlequin called Uncle Ian.
IRA HUNGER STRIKES
Grim. I reckon that seeing this on the news sparked off my eating disorder. Maybe I should’ve sent them some wedding cake.
THE ROYAL WEDDING
Fucking hell eh? What was THAT all about? Mental. Still, it got me to where I am now, and death’s been pretty good to me. Later shitheads…
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